So as I sit here pondering my fucked up existence, I know that there is so much I need to be grateful for. (And I am I truly am) But today seems to be a day that is going to be rough on me. Like one of those days that if I was a drug addict I would totally shoot too many drugs. I had a whole list of witty stuff to talk about, I actually thought to myself, this is totally (I'm currently channeling my inner valley girl, rad dude) it...I am going to totally captivate my readers (so far party of one reader...ME). Some how I got side tracked, OK my A.D.D. got the better of me. I am not even entirely sure that I have A.D.D. - has anyone seen my pet squirrel, or the dog or my gun? Wait I don't have a gun. Fuck me sideways I don't own a gun...actually that's probably a good thing cause I would either use it on some idiot that pissed me off or someone would end up using it on me for opening my big foul mouth potty talk mouth. (is that even a sentence? Guess it does not matter party of one still)
As I am writing this I have a ton of other stuff going through my mind - no not where I can buy drugs (remember I am not a drug addict). But drugs could make all these feelings of inadequacy go away or a gun, guns can make people go away, then I would no longer feel inadequate. This is why I should not be left to my own devices, I am seriously a nut job. If this is the first time reading my posts, my previous posts are sweet and sort of guarded (wait are they? Or is that just something else I tell myself..man I really suck ass).
There are things I should be doing right this moment, but since I suck ass.I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Oh well at least dinner is in the crockpot (I kick ass I made dinner, love leave it and it forget it shit) There does not seem to be a topic today, I am really trying to distract myself from the sadness that is creeping in. All kidding aside, my grandfather (he is the cutest thing alive is not doing well.) He is in his 90's and is just tired. He is not suffering from illness but he is not his usual perky self and for that I am sad. He has been falling a lot and is now using a walker, he is also in stage 4 kidney disease. The past couple years both of my grandparents have really slowed down. My grandfather used to golf like crazy, walk everywhere, visited McDonald's everyday and very rarely did you ever catch him without a smile. I have come to realize I could learn a lot from him, I have not spent nearly enough time with him. I have not spent enough of my lousy 42 years telling him I love him. Still as I say this I sit in my pajamas, on my couch - I am too afraid to go there. Too afraid that this will be the end. OK - enough of this...he would not want this. I am posting this picture of my grandparents, while they are not internet savvy - they have no way of seeing this. But it makes me feel better to see it. (FYI I am not a total loser - I am not able to go visit today, my son and husband have both been sick with terrible colds it is not wise for me to go there in the event I am getting the germs that are running rampant in my house I do not want to make them sick on top of everything else)
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